As I pushed myself through the pain I had an epiphany about myself that I already knew… I have an issue with looking weak.
I write this as I lie on the couch licking my wounds.
You see, I just came back from a gym class called power step (stepping up and down and all around on a step). I’ve been going to it for several weeks now and I really enjoy it, it pushes me and makes me feel fitter.
Today, during class, I felt my left knee twinge. *Crap* I felt my brain say.
I have an old injury that I acquired in Japan about 2 years ago. I’m not clear what how it happened, but it’s the outside length of my left knee, so bending of any kind is painful whenever I ‘re-injure’ it. Even walking becomes painful.
Instead of stopping and pulling myself out my power step class, I kept going for the rest of the session (another 35 minutes-ish). I mean, I was there already, I just needed to suck it up! (FYI, my brain is excellent at peer pressuring me. )
Every step I took, I could feel it intensifying to the point where I felt my body want to stress cry. To my dismay, I had to stop for a few seconds here and there as I felt stabbing to the point where my knee almost buckled. But I jumped right back on that step, and kept going. (I’m an idiot, I know.)
As I pushed myself through, I had an epiphany about myself that I already knew… I have an issue with looking weak. This applies in all aspects of my life, physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve been this way dating back to my earliest memories. I never went home to parents crying when the kids at school were mean to me, I remained at school when I hurt myself – even when I unknowingly broke my bones; if you’ve broken a bone, you sure know how painful it is. All this for the sake of not wanting to look like a wuss. At least, when it comes to true physical pain, I just take it, and put up with it until it passes. On the contrary, if I receive minor pain, e.g. a minor paper cut, I will claim to the world that there is no pain greater! As demonstrated by my wooden spoon.
IF you want to read how much I hated looking like a wuss and soldiered on; you can ready the posts at the below links
- My Broken Bones Trilogy. Part 1: The Fallen and The Dancer
- My Broken Bones Trilogy. Part 2: Octopus boy
- My Broken Bones Trilogy. Part 3: The Jinx
I see that I’ve carried these traits into adulthood. In my power step class today, I realise that the reason I remained and pushed myself despite the pain was for the same reason I didn’t request to go home as a child with my injuries. I didn’t want to look like a wuss or let people know that I was hurt. I did not want to be that person, the one who couldn’t hack it.
What’s more, as I leaving class, I attempted to walk as normally as possible, and skipped down the stairs (without bending my injured knee) so that they wouldn’t see me struggling or limping. In my mind, I didn’t want them to know that I hurt myself. It’s trendy skipping down the stairs with your good leg…Right? RIGHT?
There’s nothing wrong with knowing your limits, but I am who I am, and it looks like this is a part of me that I need to continually work on. I admire people who have no fear in showing their ‘weak parts‘ (I use this term in the general sense). But it’s not who I am… at least, not right now.
So, I waddled home with a limp feeling slightly sorry for myself. Silver lining is that I now have an excuse to take the elevators up AND down tomorrow at work!
Thank you for reading. Do you share my feelings? Or are you a badass who wears their heart on their sleeve?