Looking Weak? Not For Me

As I pushed myself through the pain I had an epiphany about myself that I already knew… I have an issue with looking weak.

I write this as I lie on the couch licking my wounds.

You see, I just came back from a gym class called power step (stepping up and down and all around on a step). I’ve been going to it for several weeks now and I really enjoy it, it pushes me and makes me feel fitter.

Today, during class, I felt my left knee twinge. *Crap* I felt my brain say.

I have an old injury that I acquired in Japan about 2 years ago. I’m not clear what how it happened, but it’s the outside length of my left knee, so bending of any kind is painful whenever I ‘re-injure’ it. Even walking becomes painful.

Instead of stopping and pulling myself out my power step class, I kept going for the rest of the session (another 35 minutes-ish). I mean, I was there already, I just needed to suck it up! (FYI, my brain is excellent at peer pressuring me. )

Every step I took, I could feel it intensifying to the point where I felt my body want to stress cry. To my dismay, I had to stop for a few seconds here and there as I felt stabbing to the point where my knee almost buckled. But I jumped right back on that step, and kept going. (I’m an idiot, I know.)

As I pushed myself through, I had an epiphany about myself that I already knew… I have an issue with looking weak. This applies in all aspects of my life, physically, emotionally and mentally. I’ve been this way dating back to my earliest memories. I never went home to parents crying when the kids at school were mean to me, I remained at school when I hurt myself – even when I unknowingly broke my bones; if you’ve broken a bone, you sure know how painful it is. All this for the sake of not wanting to look like a wuss. At least, when it comes to true physical pain, I just take it, and put up with it until it passes. On the contrary, if I receive minor pain, e.g. a minor paper cut, I will claim to the world that there is no pain greater! As demonstrated by my wooden spoon.

IF you want to read how much I hated looking like a wuss and soldiered on; you can ready the posts at the below links

I see that I’ve carried these traits into adulthood. In my power step class today, I realise that the reason I remained and pushed myself despite the pain was for the same reason I didn’t request to go home as a child with my injuries. I didn’t want to look like a wuss or let people know that I was hurt. I did not want to be that person, the one who couldn’t hack it.

What’s more, as I leaving class, I attempted to walk as normally as possible, and skipped down the stairs (without bending my injured knee) so that they wouldn’t see me struggling or limping. In my mind, I didn’t want them to know that I hurt myself. It’s trendy skipping down the stairs with your good leg…Right? RIGHT?

There’s nothing wrong with knowing your limits, but I am who I am, and it looks like this is a part of me that I need to continually work on. I admire people who have no fear in showing their ‘weak parts‘ (I use this term in the general sense). But it’s not who I am… at least, not right now.

So, I waddled home with a limp feeling slightly sorry for myself. Silver lining is that I now have an excuse to take the elevators up AND down tomorrow at work!

Thank you for reading. Do you share my feelings? Or are you a badass who wears their heart on their sleeve?

9 Comments Add yours

  1. Knackered Dad says:

    I only cry when a dog dies in a film and at the ending of ‘The Bucket List’ where Jack Nicholson finally gets to kiss the most beautiful girl in the world (it’s not what you think).

    Yesterday, my son unintentionally headbutted me on the nose as I was getting him out of the car, which bloody hurt. Apart from letting slip a rude word, I carried on as normal.

    But I think you should get our knee checked out though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Ouch, headbutt to the nose sounds painful!

      Also, anyone in films can die, just not the dog… Anyone but the dog! Have you seen John Wick?

      Yeah, I probably should get it checked out. I’m hypermobile, so injuries to my joints are fairly common. Though, I’m hesitant to visit the GP because in my experience, they aren’t much help. A few years ago I went (more than once) to the GP over a very painful hamstring injury up my my pelvis, it was extremely painful to walk back then and their answer was just… Go home and rest, it didn’t get any better and after one month, I went to get physio privately (my parents had private health care at the time). When I the pain didn’t go away, the physio wrote me a referral letter to see a rheumatologist. In the end I got a steroid injection to take away the inflation in the area.

      P.S. Thank you for your concern 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Knackered Dad says:

        Yeah i’ve seen John Wick…I didn’t like that part. 😦

        No worries & take care!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Mabel Kwong says:

    I hope your knee gets better and the twinge is just a twinge. For me, whether or not I show my feelings depends on my mood. Usually I am good at putting on a pokerface and hide my feelings. If I am tired, I will probably lost it a little 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s much better today, thank you :). Ah the pokerface (lady gaga playing in the background)

      I have always wondered if this is a trait I picked up from my Taiwanese side, because whenever you cry, you are told immediately to stop crying. Some of my friends from Asian backgrounds experienced the same upbringing. So it’s something that I have been wondering about.


      1. Mabel Kwong says:

        Haha, Lady Gaga and pokerface 😀 I also experienced that – the moment I started crying as a child, I was told to stop it and carry on with life. In other words, moping around is shameful. Then again, sometimes this is the way to express emotions.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. pamicdolls says:

    Knowing when, where, who and how to express your limitation is a good lesson to learn. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The Pensieve says:

    Yup. I do share this particular ‘quality’. But may not upto this extent! I mean if I were you I would certainly have completed that class, but then I would’ve quitely nursed my knee. Skipping steps…. That’s where I would’ve drawn a line! 😅

    Liked by 1 person

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